(I made this last year, it's basically a song narration of how 2018 went)
I wrote this "conversation" with 2018 (Amber, I called her) a year ago, it was up on the earliest version of "My Life's Mixtape." When I switched servers, I didn't transfer every post I had. I stumbled onto this one a few days ago while I was scrolling through my back-ups. It's 2020 soon, things have changed a bit since then, I have too, a little, I think. It was interesting reading "Hey Amber" in present 2019. There's soo much more. In some ways 2019 was harder, it eased up in others. 2018 Jade won't believe it, but it is possible to cry more. Things got a lot messier. I've learned different lessons. Reading the post back, I had comments, of course. I've lived through most of the anxieties I had at the time. I've experienced things she never ever saw coming. I know how a lot of the things she worried about panned out: the relationships, the stress about switching majors, the insecurities, the uncertainty. Since it's a little too late to post the 2018 conversation on its own, I've decided to re-upload it with 2019's hindsight. If 2019 Jade (text in green) was listening at a table peripheral to their conversation, 2018 Jade and Amber (text in black), here's what she'd be thinking.
2019 Jade is pretty tired by the way
If my 2018 were a person, I think she’d be a girl. She understands me, and she pushes me in ways most men can't, she pmss aggressively. I think she’d make a cute Amber. If she walked by me somewhere in the city I’d get her coffee, or sushi, donuts? . . . anything she wants really. She’s been THE MOST IMPORTANT person to me since . . . ever. If I ever get to sit in front of Amber here’s what I would say . . .
I got the blueberry scone too!
Was my hair really that blonde? . . .
( . . . )
You were not easy.
( . . . )
Oh my god it's so tense in here
Oh yeah by the way in case you forgot, I’m Jade, I know you’re super busy and you’re leaving for something soon, I just wanted to say some things before you did. (I can't tell if she's mad, or sad . . . is she happy to see 2018, or . . . if I know us, and I do, it'll be excessively clear soon,)
I know you’re just doing your job and minding your own business, so I don’t mean much to you, but to me, you’re kinda unforgettable.
Truthfully, I don't remember much. 2019's been a handful. It's kinda funny, and sad. Everything seems so important to her, she's carrying so much, I can tell. I have a feeling she just cried about something before this. I can't recall what about.
I’ve cried so much because of you. She's veeery straightforward. You did not go easy on me at all. Aw. . . yeah, it doesn't really get easier. When I felt like I couldn’t possibly hurt more (it did, I know . . it continues to into the new year, I'm sorry), when things could not have gone any more wrong, you added insecurity (I've spent a lot of time with those this year, the relationship's deeper than you know, I almost hate the word), anxiety, and then, more hurt. Amber, you hurt me in ways I didn’t know I could. 2018 too?! Are we always sad at the end of the year? Geez.
Oh, I should probably say that I don’t hate you. ( . . . ) I get that this probably didn’t start super comforting for you. Or me, or anyone within earshot. Goodness. Gentle. I probably could have started with I like your hat. The colour suits you!
The green is pretty nice
Anyways, I don’t hate you, actually, you’re the best person in my life. ( . . . ) You hurt me so much, but that’s only because you gave me so much to love. ( . . . ) You didn’t just push me in ways I could break down; you also pushed me in ways I could jump over the moon, be happy, and love. Her mascara's smudged, her knuckles are clenched under the table, she's barely getting words out, but she's saying she's happy . . . how?! My year's been crap too. After all that, why is she happy? How is she happy?!
Amber's face hasn't changed since she sat down
Not gonna lie, it's kinda bothering me
You have introduced me to some ridiculously amazing people, who will forever have a place in my heart. You introduced me to my first love (Oh yeaaaaah. He was nice, I hope he's well.), I thought Harold did that last year, man, you showed me. You’ve introduced me to people who challenge me ALL THE TIME, people who care enough about me to tell me no when I need it. It's gotten really hard to tell which "nos" matter nowadays.
These people, man, I’m a better person because of them (yeah . . . about them . . .), not because they’re great all the time, but because sometimes they suck, and I have to be patient. Personal relationships have been so, so hard in 2019. You're going to hate it. More and more things come up. Things keep changing, people keep changing, me too. 2019 has completely and forcefully rewritten our definition of loyalty, and trust, of a relationship, of friendship, love; they're way harder to grasp. They make me pull more out of myself. People can pull too much. Sometimes, people take too much.
You were confusing you know ( . . . ). You pushed me one way and slapped me into another, and then when I started to get my footing in that new direction, you’d slap me backwards; over, and over, and OVER again. 2019 was like that too.
You taught me a lot about myself. You taught me that I don’t know more than I do know; that I essentially don’t have anything figured out. I learned that everything I used to want before you (to teach, security, predictability), I don’t need. You introduced me to parts of myself I didn’t know existed; wants and desires I didn’t know I had. Thank you for being open to them. You won't regret leaning into them, I promise that, at least. Thank you for not turning cold. I'm not holding up as well as you, listening to you here though, it's helping.
Gosh, does THAT come with a new universe of challenges, oh and of course anxiety.
You go on a few unplanned trips, there are relationships, you spend a lot of money, there's a gap year, singing, drama, new hobbies/career options, jobs, I said drama right, people, projects, lessons . . . oh, . . . You don't even know. It gets CRAZY.
Since meeting you I have never felt more uncomfortable with the world.
Don’t get antsy!
Actually I’m glad, grateful too.
How does she do it
I’ve never known myself more. ( . . . ) Me too I think. If 2019's given me anything, it's that, clarity. I know myself more than I ever have. More than you, if you can believe it. I've never accepted and genuinely loved myself more. I'm a hell of a lot stronger. I've picked up a relative distrust of anything at face-value, skepticism I guess. I'm a little more bitter than you, Jade of 2018, but you're right . . . about being grateful. Today, you guys, my eavesdropping, it's been a good reminder . . . necessary actually. Everything's okay.
Amber, thank you for breaking me. You rubbed my face into my cracks, and that was unbelievably hard, but you also showed me parts of myself that I didn’t know mattered.
I’ll say it again, you’re the most important person to me, and I just want to say thank you.
Thank you. 2019 was something.
Thank you. I'm healing.
Thank you. Thank you.
I’m meeting 2019 soon, no offence, but I hope she’s better than you.
She's an a**hole
I know you’re itching to leave, but before you do I just have to say, you have been one hell of a wing-woman.
Things were soo easy back then . . .
</ . .%#* . ?3