"Today I feel insane"

Updated: Nov 9, 2019

Song: "Poet" - Malia

This past year has been an absolute whirlwind. Writing this feels like the first time I've sat down in 2019. Now that I am sitting . . . OH MY GOODNESS! My brain is just now catching up to real life, and oh man. This year has been crazyyy . . . relationships, breakups, change in career path, trips, work, new hobbies, new friends, a gap year, tears and tears; that's just the things at the top of my head right now. I'm not sure if it was this song or the moment it came to me, but since then life's slowed down a little, in a good way . . . and I'm really grateful.

Spotify plopped "Poet," the headline song for this post into my life while I was scrolling through my weekly recommendations. I was bored in the car waiting to do the groceries. I remember thinking the title was interesting when I clicked it. After the song ended, I played it again, and after that, again, and again . . . Has a song ever stopped time for you? I swear "Poet" did for me. Halfway into the first chorus the world kind of just stopped existing. The people walking by didn't matter, there were no cars, I wasn't parked in front of Walmart. I felt alone, and kinda naked. All my defences, my problems, my to-do list poofed out of the car. "I'm a poet and a soldier . . . I'm a walking contradiction . . ." she sang. When that lyric played, I remember saying "yeah!" out loud, and it felt really good.

This year has been insane. 2019 pushed the boundaries of possibility, I've met so many people. I'm doing things I never in a million years would think I'd be doing. The world got so much bigger. Mountain peaks got higher, valleys sunk lower. Good felt great, bad turned terrible. There's jobs, conflicts, relationships, expectations, love and heartbreak. There's so much . . . so much. When she sang "today I feel insane," I felt it.

I stayed in the car for like half an hour. I just sat and let the lyrics wash over me, over and over. I don't have a big lesson to impart. My problems didn't go away. I didn't open my eyes to a new life. I opened my car door to the same passions and insecurities. My scars looked the same. The things I had to deal with didn't change. The moment just felt really nice. For a little bit, the world was quiet, and I didn't feel fat or lost, or rejected. I didn't feel strong or loving either. Life gets painfully loud sometimes. The constructs around us can get blinding. Perceptions of beauty, success, happiness skew so sneakily. Reality blurs so fast.

I'm still trying to figure life out. I mess up A LOT. I discover new ways to laugh and love every day. What I know about anything gets tested daily. The world reconstructs around me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Life has been chaos lately, I feel like I'm always fighting for myself, and to keep sane. Some days are BRUTAL. Of course, there are good days too! Maybe like me, you're shambling too. Maybe like me, you could use a reminder to chill; If you need permission to, I hope this gives it to you. Breathe, listen to music, run away, be alone with yourself. The crazy's still going to be there when you get back. I disagree with my voices, and yours. I believe wherever you are right now, however you feel, whatever you have figured out is enough.

I think you're enough :)