Updated: Oct 31, 2019
Song: "Lot to Learn" - Luke Christopher
An important thing I realized last year was that I don't know anything. Truly. At the end of this year's first month, I've been reminded again of how much I still don't know. I make some progress, and then I'm clueless again; in my friendships, my career progress, my relationship with myself, everything really. Sometimes I feel like life loves to bake me cakes, just to throw them in my face. Growing up I genuinely thought I knew everything about anything I cared about. Man . . .
The truth is, and boy has this been hard for me to accept, I'm a little lost. I know I'm better off knowing this than being denial confident about having anything figured out, but it's a pretty unsettling place to be. If me writing this does anything, I hope it accompanies anyone who is also in the same place as me. I'm clueless too! I worry a lot. Every good moment I have comes with a split second of "what if . . ." Last year I remember writing "it's okay to be here," (for a post around the same topic) it's been hard for me, last week especially, to believe that. Naturally, I have some control-freak tendencies, it's a headspace that I have been working to painstakingly drag myself out of for a LONG TIME. Everything I think I know is only good until something that makes more sense comes up. Everything that means something in my life is constantly breaking down, rebuilding, being redefined, remoulded. Gosh! For someone like me, I had/working hard to (still today) learn how to celebrate the messiness of quite literally everything in my life.
Everything that is uncertain is an opportunity to explore new definitions, new boundaries, it's a new chance to fall more in love with the world; I'm clinging onto this notion like you would not believe. I've tried to stick to what I know, but I'm as uncomfortable there as I am in the unfamiliar one where I'm headless. Here's to unknown destinations, I guess. I don't have anything profound to offer. Amidst all the craziness, and anxiety, I am choosing to be open-minded, to genuinely listen to everyone, everything, take compliments, internalize the criticism I get from the people who care about me. In my world where most things are gray, I'm going to hold on to anything that I can't stop thinking about.