"I don't know what normal is . ."

Updated: Oct 31, 2019

Song: "What's Normal Anyway" - Miguel

My biggest fear ever is to at the end of my life feel unsatisfied; to feel like I didn't do enough. I'm scared to feel like I didn't sing loud enough, smile enough, try hard enough, work and risk, oh my gosh, to not have loved enough. I'm terrified of living less than fully. I have lots of other fears, but this one sits on my shoulders every day of my life.

To anyone who knows me, I'm a bit of a wildcard. Here, there, neither and simultaneously is my dynamic. I'm a mixture of things that don't make sense. I'm loud, but I'm also not. I'm an extrovert, except when I'm not. I'm not a judgemental person, but boy am I. I'm a happy person who spends a decent amount of time in her feelings. My life is swing-dance after dance between several socially established definitions and labels (honestly, I feel like everyone else's is too). I even confuse myself. I wish I could say that I want to be one definition of something, I feel like people wouldn't be so cautious if I was, but I can't, and it's because of what I said at the top of this post; I am terrified of not living life to its fullest. If I'm at a party, I'm going to PARTY. If I'm at work, I am going to WORK. If I'm under a cozy blanket, I will HIBERNATE.

I used to look at life as this big overwhelming, karmic cloud. It always made me uneasy; so much of that for me was worrying about the future, then the past, then that makes you realize how much time has passed, then you start thinking about the time you have left, then you start thinking about how well (or not) you've been living, and on and on so forth. Recently I've converted to the perception that life is more a series of moments and decisions. Once one moment is gone, it's gone forever. I feel like when people talk about the end of life, it's often in tandem with an image of a hospital bed, or a tombstone, but what about the time you just spent reading this? That's gone forever too. Looking back five seconds ago, do you wish you did something else or did it differently? That time you wanted badly to say something, but didn't, you're never going to get that moment back.

Life is short, more than that, moments are literally fleeting. I feel like every moment presents a decision to "live" or not. I don't want to live a life that makes sense wholistically. I want to be present and make the most of the only thing I have (now). LIfe is now, then now, then now. That first "now," that's gone, same with the other two. Life to me is this moment, now it's this one. I don't want to live my life following some theme layout that makes sense when I die, ideally, I want to look back at any moment in my life-time and think to myself that I couldn't have lived/done it any better (of course, that's easier said than done).